Six months into my (midlife) Crisis

This blog has officially hit the six month mark. Six months?  Is that it?  I feel like I’ve been doing this forever sometimes. My life has changed so drastically and so dramatically since I decided to write again.Initially, I was nervous and scared and felt I couldn’t do it. I worried that I was getting too old and that bands would never allow me to interview them and that press passes were out of the question. But every single time I felt that nagging, oh so familiar voice in the back of my head telling me I couldn’t do it, I began to stand up to it.  She had kept me from doing the things I loved for far too long. Held me back from dancing and singing and writing and being who I am at my core.  I began to think about the things I have done and overcome in my life. A childhood filled with abuse. The absolutely terrifying prospect of being a mother and doing it right. And I have! I’ve had two very successful careers and businesses. I changed my entire life at the half-way mark and made it better. I have friends and family and music that I absolutely LOVE and a dozen reasons or more to get up and be happy and proud each day. Why did I believe the shit that voice told me?  Why do any of us?

But the thing is, no matter what I did, that God damned voice was still there. She tried her best to get me to stop and play nice and be the perfect little Fairfield County, Connecticut Mother. She made me shut down the person I was out of a fear of being different. She had dictated far too much of my life. Stopped me from being who I really wanted to be for decades. And one day I looked her right in the eye and said “Fuck you. I’m done. You are not going to control who I am anymore. I’m no longer allowing it.”

The funny thing is, that’s all it took. Just believing it. That day, I sent out interview requests and two said yes. One was the amazing Willie Nile and the second,  a hero of mine, Henry Rollins. After that, all fear was gone. Of course I was going to do this! And I have.

To me, this blog was about doing something for myself. I’d have been happy with it if I had no readers (well, maybe not None!). But as I began to get press passes and interviews and my readership grew, I began to feel proud. And like I really was meant to be doing this. As This blog has surpassed  6500 readers, I see that I am. I’m blessed and lucky. I’ve done interviews with many of my music heroes. I’ve seen too many amazing shows to name. I’ve stood in the press box with a crappy little 400.00 camera next to others with 10,000 dollars worth of equipment and didn’t crack, even when some territorial mean girls tried to make me. I’ve interviewed people I was completely intimidated by, and made them laugh and joke and really tell me things. I’ve reconnected with old friends and made so many new ones.I got a tattoo that I’d been dreaming of and afraid to get for years because I was terrified of being judged. I shut that voice down, and when she tries to creep back in, which she often does,I kick her the hell out the door again.

The point of this story, and this entire blog, is to prove to people that living your dream is a possibility. It WILL happen if you are determined enough. You can do this. But don’t listen to me and don’t follow my lead. Listen to your own voice and make your own way. You can DO THIS. And when that miserable little voice starts to break you down, tell her to shut her  mouth and get out of your way. Her words don’t matter. They never have.

 

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